As a young girl the idea of dating someone who's not your age
can be exciting and even flattering. The older guys are cooler
and maybe even smarter than the guys in your grade - dating
one of them could easily boost your confidence and your
status.
But before you get carried away with this new and taboo (in
some parts of the world) relationship, you might want to
consider a few things.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE THE INEXPERIENCED CHILD IN THE RELATIONSHIP?
One of the best things about being in a relationship is the
feeling that you and your partner are equals and can both
enjoy the same hobbies and interests. But when you're with an
older guy this might not be the case.
You're both at different stages in your lives so naturally your
ideas on fun and your needs might differ.
For example:
He might be thinking about work or buying his own place
whereas you might still be worried about your grades at
school, what you want to do next in education and who to be
with friends with.
OR
Your idea of a date is going to see a movie and grabbing ice-
cream or pizza. This might be boring to him because for him a
date means going out drinking and clubbing.
When your interests are different it also means you probably
won't get along with his friends because you won't have much
to talk about.
You may be tempted to do the things he wants to do because
he's older and knows more than you, but don't change
yourself or stop doing the things you like doing just to make
him happy or to keep the relationship.
HE MIGHT WANT TO TAKE THE LEAD ON EVERYTHING!
Starting a relationship with someone who is in a higher
position than you, whether it's financial, social or at an
educational level can create a power dynamic within the
relationship. Since he's older, he might want to always be the
one making the decisions; from where you go out to what you
wear.
Culture can also play a role in this power dynamic because
some cultures teach girls from a young age that they should
always follow the man's lead.
So then this brings up the issue of respect and value:
Do you feel that, despite your age difference, your older
boyfriend respects you and values your input when it comes
to making decisions as a couple?
Thinking about this question can help you decide if dating an
older guy is right for you.
WHY YOUR FAMILY WOULD DISAPPROVE OF THE RELATIONSHIP?
You won't be able to stand up for yourself
If you're still young and don't have much experience in
relationships your parents may worry that you won't have the
freedom to be yourself or the confidence to able to say "no"
to an older guy.
When your parents encourage you to date guys your age, it's
probably because they feel it would be easier for you to have a
voice in a relationship where they guy is the same age as you.
They feel you're moving or growing too fast
It's said that girls usually mature faster than boys, which sort
of explains how a girl could be attracted to an older guy.But
being mature doesn't mean that you have to miss out on the
joys of doing the same things as girls your age.
Your parents want you to experience the lighter and fun side
of life and sometimes dating an older guy can cause you to do
the opposite of that.
So as much as we sometimes think our parents are set on
ruining our lives by telling us what to do and how to do it,
most of the time they are really just trying to help guide us
towards making the best decisions for our future.
SEX WITH AN OLDER GUY MIGHT BE A BIT MORE COMPLICATED
Some girls find it difficult to say no when their older boyfriend
asks for sex. This difficulty in saying no comes from a place of
fear; there's the worry that if she says no he'll leave her
because of the idea that not having sex with him will mean
she doesn't love him.
This is simply untrue. Lots of people do not have sex with
people they love, for a whole variety of reasons.
Difficulty saying no to sex can also come from not wanting to
disappoint him because he spends money on you or you don't
want to lose the title of dating an older guy.
So what can do you do if he's persistently asking for sex?
Have a conversation with him about the type of relationship
you feel comfortable with. If he wants to have sex sooner
rather than later in the relationship, and this makes you
uncomfortable, you can let him know you can't continue
dating him if the two of you can't be on the same page.
A need to be desired is a strong reason for why some guys
want to have sex. The great thing is sex isn't the only way
he can know that you find him desirable. Let him know that
yes, he does turn you on but you'd like to wait a little longer
before having sex.
If you struggle with speaking about your concerns, try writing
them down in a letter and giving that to your boyfriend. Or you
can rehearse what you want to say so that the next time he
asks for sex, you already have a well prepared response.
COULD THIS RELATIONSHIP GET YOU GUYS IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW?
Is it even legal for you to be dating this older guy? You'll need
to check the law especially if you live in Mzansi. In this
country, the law says that girls between the ages of 12 - 15
can't consent to sex.
Let's have a look at what the law in other countries says:
In Ghana, the age for consent to sex is 16. But there is a
'good faith' clause where parents, guardians or person
authorized by the law, can give or refuse consent on behalf
of a girl who is younger than 16.
In Nigeria it is considered rape to have sex with a girl who
is under 14 years, with or without her consent.
According to these laws, a girl below a certain age isn't able
to understand what sex is and the consequences of it, so if
she's in a relationship with an older guy and they have sex
(even if the age gap is only a few years), her boyfriend can be
arrested for statutory rape!
In this case, the crime isn't in having a boyfriend but in the
both of you having sex. Statutory rape is a very serious
offence and a person can be spend time in prison for it.
This is a good reminder to take things slow and build a
friendship first with your older guy before thinking about dating
or even having sex
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